I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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