Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
