On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
