We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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