her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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