I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
