My liver just broke up with me...
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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