Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Randomize
