i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
