im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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