she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
