there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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