I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Found your dick twin last night
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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