New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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