DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
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