I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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