May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
