your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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