my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
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