so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
