I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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