these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
