I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize