I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize