Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
