I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Randomize
