She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
