bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
