I look better un-naked...
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize