You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
