1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
