Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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