And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
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