I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
