Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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