dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
