JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
