and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
