if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize