She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
