I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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