I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Randomize
