just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
