Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
