My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
