mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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