Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
be right there i have to get my cape
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
