I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
Randomize
