Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
