Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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