how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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