he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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