I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
