the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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