i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
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