Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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